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healer

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Weekly Forecast Monday June 17th, 2019

Monday 6/17 – Bear  – We can seek out teacher after teacher and pour over texts searching for insight and wisdom, but the greatest enlightenment is always found through the journey inward. Take time today to explore the deepest caverns of your inner world. Hold what you find gently. And when it’s time to re-emerge, remember that your vulnerability and trust is a privilege to receive, so be discerning about who you choose to share it with.

Tuesday 6/18 – Armadillo Reversed - If our boundaries are too soft then we risk abandoning our needs, but if they are too rigid, we block ourselves from connection with others and the growth that can come from being in relationship. The key is to find the sweet spot in between and to stay flexible enough to pivot and shift as needed since our boundaries should be as dynamic as both our own growth processes and our ever-evolving relationships. Check in with yourself today. Are there places you can give a little? Or are there places where you need to draw clearer lines? And don’t forget that these questions apply just as much to your relationship with yourself as they do to your relationships with others.

Wednesday 6/19 – Rabbit  – How we relate to our fears also benefits from a balanced approach. Completely disregarding our experience when something triggers overwhelm, worry, or anxiety is a recipe for trouble. Often, our bodies will speak to us in louder and more exaggerated ways until we listen, so it’s best not to wait until we have health issues, physical or mental, before we respond. On the other hand, when we let fear run the show we lose our ability to see and respond to what’s coming up with clarity and groundedness. To release your fears you must hold them with compassion, honor the child within, and encourage him or her to move forward, at their own pace, with loving support.

Thursday 6/20 – Elk – Be very mindful about the commitments you make today, particularly if you know you’re prone to overextending yourself. Your “yes” is only valuable  when you are fully capable of saying “no” to things that are not in alignment with you, and this includes things that you simply don’t have the energy or time for at this moment. Take the time to be honest with yourself about whether or not you can and/or want to do something and then let that awareness guide your choices.

Friday 6/21 – Alligator Reversed – When we react impulsively, we give up our ability to make intentional choices. When we create space to pause, take in our external circumstances as well as our internal experiences, and then respond according to our values and who we wish to be in the world, we empower ourselves. No matter how tempted you are to offer a snap reaction to something today, take a beat, and maybe a deep breath or two, and get clear about what is most important to you. You may even find that no response is the best response for now.

Saturday 6/22 – Beaver Reversed – It doesn’t matter how hard you work towards something if you’re engaging in behaviors that counter all of your efforts. Take a good look at your goals today as well as any ways that you might be “leaking energy” or working against your best interests. If you see a strong pattern of self-sabotage, it might be worth doing some inner work to see if there are underlying self-worth issues at play or if your goals are perhaps not in true alignment with your heart’s deepest desires. If they’re driven by ego, then consider letting them go and setting your sights on a vision that feels more true to you. If you know, however, that your goals truly light you up, a little (tough) self-love in the form of discipline might be in order.

Sunday 6/23 – Weasel Reversed – Every relationship involves some form of exchange, and in healthy relationships, agreements about what that exchange looks like for both parties are clear, even if they aren’t spoken. When we manipulate or operate with ulterior motives, we open the door to unnecessary miscommunication, disappointment, and issues around trust. Save yourself the trouble and be transparent about what you’re seeking from others today. If someone can’t meet you where you’d like them to, wish them well and let them continue on with their journey. You’ll find whatever it is that you’re looking for in another more aligned soul or maybe even within yourself.

If you’d like to book a private card reading for more in-depth and personalized messages around what the days and weeks ahead hold for you or to gain clarity around specific issues or areas of your life, check out my Intuitive Card Readings page for more information on my card reading offerings, rates, and how to book! 

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Happy Birthday, Dad

Today would have been my father’s 73rd birthday. It’s always strange trying to imagine what life would have been like if he had decided to stay. Would he still be alive? What would our relationship be like? These are questions that I’ll never know the answer to.

Only weeks before what would have been his 51st birthday, he took his own life.

While this came as a shock to many, I knew it had been coming for quite some time.

I was 14 and I had moved my younger sister and myself from his home in Houston to my mother and step-father’s home in Los Angeles a year and a half earlier.

My father was undiagnosed but struggled with an absolutely textbook case of Bipolar Disorder. His swings from manic highs to deeply depressed lows narrated much of my childhood and I have spent much of my adult life trying to heal the scars left from growing up in a household that was often steeped in chaos and unpredictability.

My father was a complicated man. Brilliant, charismatic, and playful, but also at times violent and terrifyingly reckless. He was an exceptional doctor--he worked in the Emergency Room, but many of his patients requested that he be their personal physician. He had an incredible ability to connect with absolutely anyone regardless of their age or background and he was deeply moved by nature and art.

When he died, people from all over showed up to honor him. There were three memorials and the words people left in the guest books all echoed the same sentiments. That he was one of the most alive people that they had ever known. That he was a loyal friend. That he would be so deeply missed.

I often think that one of the most insidious parts of his illness was his inability to feel loved.

I know he was deeply lonely.

I know he struggled immensely with his own darkness.

Even as a child, I could see the pain flash across his eyes, in between fits of rage, and maybe some fear, too. I think he knew he was out of control. But the tricky thing with Bipolar, in particular, is the promise of the high. The delicious sense of power and euphoria that would also be wiped away if he were to receive treatment.

So he suffered. And we suffered. And honestly, the waves of that suffering still continue to extend outward, albeit more gently these days, I think, for most of us who were impacted by his wild and wondrous life that was laced with so much tragedy.

I am doing my best to heal the parts that I carry. For myself. For the world around me. But also for him.

The last time that I spoke to him, he had already made his decision that he was done struggling. Some part of me knew when he told me that my sister and I were “his legacy” that he was saying goodbye.

I think about that often. That I am his legacy. That my time here on this planet and what I choose to do with it is inextricably linked to him. That I carry pieces of both his light and his shadow, and that I also get to choose how I use both.

I talk to my father frequently, often out loud. His body may have died, but I know his soul is ever-present and our relationship lives on. Sometimes I can almost feel the way he has softened. The way death has brought him a peace I don’t think he ever had during his life. I miss him in moments. In others I am still angry with him. I’m okay with it being both.

We are dynamic beings. It only makes sense that our relationships would be as well. I can love him and not always like he who was. I can honor the beauty he brought into my life and still be honest about the pain that came along with it. And I do. Every single day. Happy birthday, Dad, wherever you are. I hope that if you’re watching, and I believe that you are in some unexplainable way, that somehow my healing is supporting yours. Because you deserve it. We all do.

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